


Chaos Is Love

by peppermint_latte



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Diary/Journal, M/M, Poetry, Romance, Secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 15:23:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17810543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peppermint_latte/pseuds/peppermint_latte
Summary: Solas doesn't mean to stumble across the journal in Lavellan's room, but the man left it out on his desk plain for all to see. Curiosity gets the better of him and he takes the book. What he finds in the man's journal is not what he expected in the least.





	Chaos Is Love

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Dragon Age or any of it's characters, BioWare does.
> 
> All of the quotes in quotation marks and italics are from the book 'The Chaos of Stars' and I take no claim to them. Some of them have been slightly altered to fit the story better. Such as the reference to the dalish gods instead of the original reference to the greek pantheon.

He stares down at the leather-bound book that Lavellan had left out on his desk. Solas had simply come by to drop off his research notes. So he doesn’t know why he picks it up. Reading it would surely be an invasion of Lavellan’s privacy.

He slowly opens the cover and reads the first page.

The Chaos of Stars? Was this a story?

He begins to read the story that he now understands are the Inquisitor’s thoughts.

_"I can't seem to keep my heart from leaking out of the cracks, like sand clutched in a fist.”_

Solas feels his throat go dry, he is definitely invading Lavellan’s privacy. Yet, that does not stop him from putting the book in his pocket and leaving the room with it.

Once he finds himself secluded in his room that night he continues reading.

_“I will fill myself with the desert and the sky. I will be stone and stars, unchanging and strong and safe. The desert is complete; it is spare and alone, but perfect in its solitude. I will be the desert.”_

Solas has always known Lavellan’s position as Inquisitor weighs on him, but this…

Does he truly feel that he needs to remain so distant from his companions? Solas wonders what has lead Lavellan to distrust them so. He reads on, hoping to find answers further in.

_“I'm fine." It's a lie. I am not fine. My head is a symphony of pain, a sadistic master maestro conducting an opus of excruciating, devastating perfecting.”_

Solas feels some sympathy for Lavellan, he himself feels something similar. This world is so wrong and unfamiliar to him, waking to find that he had destroyed his own people in such a way had not been pleasant.

_“I didn't fall in love with you. I walked into love with you, with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way. I do believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe we are only fated to do the things that we'd choose anyway. And I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you.”_

Solas stares at the page in front of him. He was not aware that Lavellan was seeing anyone. He does his best to swallow the bitter feeling at the idea that Lavellan had moved on since their kiss in the Fade.

It is what he should do, and yet, it is not what Solas wants him to do. Solas wants Lavellan to kiss him again. He banishes the thought quickly, as he always does with such thoughts.

_“I get that you're scared and that you've been hurt. But doing what is easy and safe is no way to live, and a life without passion and love is so far beneath what you deserve.”_

Underneath is written the word ‘reminder’ underlined three times. Why does Lavellan need to remind himself of this? Perhaps he has not told whoever he has a romantic interest in yet. That brings about a pitiful feeling of hope in Solas, which he does his best to suffocate.

_“I was thinking about framing, and how so much of what we think about our lives and our personal histories revolves around how we frame it. The lens we see it through, or the way we tell our own stories. We mythologize ourselves. So I was thinking about the story of the Dalish Gods, and how different it would be if you told it only from the perspective of Fen’Harel. Same story, but it would probably be unrecognizable.”_

Solas stops reading and rereads the paragraph over. How had Lavellan come so close to finding the truth when his people had mangled and mistranslated history for centuries.

It brings the argument Solas has been having with himself back to the forefront of his mind. He wants to tell Lavellan, he thinks the man might understand if he tells him. The way Lavellan has listened to him explaining the history of their people and how it has been changed to much over time.

The way that Lavellan had trusted his word and believed him and taken Solas greatly by surprise. And started this argument inside him.

He knows it won’t be resolved now and refocuses his attention on the book in his hands.

_“They're crystal blue, a shade that shouldn't exist on the elvhen body, I shade I immediately crave, a shade that makes my heart beat a little bit faster--almost as if I recognize it. I want to steal it, paint it, throw it into every room I ever decorate. It's the most perfect blue I've ever seen. Even from this distance his eyes are simply remarkable.”_

The thought that he has blue eyes finds it’s way into his head and he immediately wants to forget that he ever thought it. Wishful thinking and hopeful yearning will do nothing to help his quest. He should remain distant from the Inquisitor, it would be wisest for them both.

“ _Some things, the best things, do last forever._ ” 

 _What a ridiculously foolish thought._ Is written underneath that. What is it that Lavellan wants to last forever, Solas wonders.

_“I open my eyes to see Solas staring at me, and my desert soul erupts with turquoise water, floods and cascades and waterfalls rushing in around my rocky parts, pushing and reshaping and filling every hidden dark spot.”_

A sense of elation fills him. He _is_ the one Lavellan is in love with. He basks in the feeling for a moment before reality returns and he remembers why he has rebuffed the man’s advances until now. They surely cannot do this. Oh, but Solas _wants_ to.

He does not find an answer to his dilemma that night, instead going to sleep with turbulent thoughts.

In the morning he wakes early and dresses. He sits quietly reading, waiting until breakfast will be available.

The knock at his door interrupts him from his reading. He stands and walks across the room to open the door.

Lavellan is standing outside his room looking angry.

Ah, he must have noticed the book's absence.

He steps back and lets the man in. As soon as he closes the door Lavellan rounds on him.

“Where is it Solas? I know you were the only one who visited my room yesterday.”

He picks up the book from where he’d put it away the day before and hands it to the man. Lavellan relaxes for a moment before growing tense with anxiety.

“You didn’t read it did you.” It seems obvious he did, but perhaps Lavellan is just employing wishful thinking.

He steps towards the man, into his space.

“I did.”

Lavellan swallows.

“Oh.” A lovely blush finds it’s way onto the other man’s face.

He kisses Lavellan before the man can combust on his carpet. The shorter elf melts into him immediately, kissing back enthusiastically.

They break apart after several long moments and stare into each other’s eyes.

It’s a bad idea, Solas knows, but staring down at the Inquisitor, he can’t seem to _care_. He kisses the man again.


End file.
